The following excerpt is from the as-yet-unpublished memoirs of yours truly. This important tome, covering my life’s epic journeys and myriad accomplishments, will serve to educate and inspire you, my loyal followers. As one of New York’s biggest cultural icons, I find it cruel to starve the public of my story. Consider it my magnum opus (now over 600 chapters…and counting) which will definatively canonize the Nick Bottom mythos into the cultural firmament, once and for all.

Chapter 43
“Middle East Side Story”

With the Viennese porn business firmly behind me, I secured passage on the Venice-Simplon Orient Express (thanks to my ability to speak Romanian and a rather regrettable few minutes in a storage closet), bringing me ultimately to London. Once in the Queen’s capital, I had a drink at the Savoy where I had taken up residence. While sipping my kumquat daqiuiri, I noticed a rather innebriated Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber in the corner in rapt conversation with a six-foot-one transvestite named Coco LaRue (more on her later). Once Sir Andrew and his adam’s appled companion finished their lime rickeys, they repaired to the powder room. I followed. Thirty seconds later, I opened the powder room door to find… Well, let’s just say, I’ve never gone anywhere without my digital camera since.

The follwing day I reported to my new job as Sir Andrew’s Development Assistent at The Really Useful Group. I was given full reign to create a new musical. Though the temptation to create a suitable vanity project (a nativity musical based on my life with me as Baby Jesus) was most assuredly there, I immediately knew what show I wanted to do: an All-Singing, All-Dancing retelling of the Iraq war. I would call it: “Middle East Side Story.”

Needless to say, my genius was not recognized by Sir Andrew. He failed to view my concept as a worthy Lloyd Weber endeavour, most likely due to the fact it didn’t include anything ripped off from Puccini.

I decided to pitch the project to a flamboyant Iraqi businessman (with an unhealthy penchant for Fred Savage) whom I met a year prior at a party in Dubai hosted by Michael Jackson. I remembered to bring my camera that night, too. After I printed out a few choice shots from the party, I met with the prominent Muslim and father of five to reminisce. A short time later, I had more than enough funding for the show.

There was one catch. I would have to stage the show in the man’s hometown. So, two short months later, I was opening “Middle East Side Story” to great fanfare at the Tikrit Beef & Boards Dinner Theater.

Because I was never able to bring the show to New York, and due to the fact that all existing copies of the script were destroyed in the suicide bombing that brought a premature end to our run, I will now reprint some of the libretto so as to ensure my songs live on past my time on this mortal plane.

Keep in mind that the lyrics are the stunning product of my brilliant mind, while the music remains Leonard Bernstein’s from “West Side Story.” You might be wondering how it is we didn’t get sued by Bernstein’s estate for using old Lenny’s songs. Well, as it turns out, Middle Eastern courts are surprisingly slow to respond to American copyright claims.

“I’ll Free Ya” (to the tune of “Maria”)
Sung by George W. Bush

I’ll free ya! I told the Iraqis I’ll free ya!
But suddenly that vow is unimportant now to me.
Idea! It all was Dick Cheney’s idea!
He said “Attack Iraq! We’ll give out each contract for free!”
I’ll free ya! Said it loud with the cameras rolling.
Came up with it while we were polling.
I’ll free ya, but when it’s ’09 then I’ll see ya!

“Halliburton” (to the tune of “I Feel Pretty”)
Sung by Dick Cheney in a pink dress

Halliburton
Isn’t hurtin’
No, it’s spurtin’ out money all day!
And it’s certain
That as long as we’re in power they’ll stay.
We disarmed them
And we charmed them
Sure we harmed them but nobody cares!
Halliburton has seen a steady rise in shares.
See the biological weapons there!
“What weapons? Where?”
Where can that Bin Laden be?
“Which? What? Where? Who?”
Such a petty war!
Such a crashing bore!
Such a fucking chore!
When we set them free!

“Something’s Coming” (to the tune of “Something’s Coming”)
Sind by Hans Blix and the UN Weapons Inspectors

Could be?
Who knows?
We’ll find a nuke, maybe ten
The CIA had told us then
They still might be right
Go on and let the lib’ral media say that we failed,
Say that we bailed,
Flew right out of sight
Well sure, we mighta,
We should’ve gone after Al Qaeda,
We search in spite of the truth!

“The Jet Song” (to the tune of “The Jet Song”)
Sung by Karl Rove in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner
Arrive in a jet and you’ll get all the way
Steal the votes from the vets
Make the Democrats pay
And you can bet that the public will sing
They won’t see through the hype
They won’t question a thing
When Bush is in gear and chewin’ his tobacky,
You’ll hear a big cheer from every freed Iraqi!

“To Fight” (to the tune of “Tonight”)
Sung by the Bush Administration

To fight! To fight!
Makes us feel big and bright!
They spurned us so we took them to war!
We stopped the blight!
Iraqis can sleep tight!
Though they do not know what is in store!
They say that we killed some civilians,
But we are making billions,
And so the war is right!
So trust ‘Ol Tex
As he begins to flex all his might!
To fight!

Hope you enjoyed this week’s excerpt. I’ll be back next week, posting Chapter 107, to relate to you my experiences working in a Parisian nightclub and how my cabaret act got me imprisoned in an S&M dungeon for 72 hours. Until then, I remain, with grace and humility, your infallible leader.

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